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Category: Personal

Is it okay not to be okay?

1I am having a rough time at the moment. Nothing bad happened – nothing in particular anyway. Rarely is anyone’s life ever smooth sailing, I find there is always something to worry about. But usually, I can look past that. But right now I feel like there are so many things that are not going my way. I have been having an even harder time not beating myself up about it. A monologue repeats itself in my head about 50 times a day: You’re not happy – why? You should be happy. Everyone else is. Be happy. Now! But that’s not how it works. It is almost impossible to silence the voice in my head. I strongly believe that happiness is a mindset, one that you have to work for. But I find it really hard to be positive right now. There is no acute tragedy. Maybe the tragedy is in myself and I’m having trouble accepting it. I don’t feel like myself.

I find it hard to be around certain people right now. In my head, we usually get along because my rhythm and theirs flow well together, but at the moment mine is off-beat. Talking to those people shows me how off my beat really is, reminding me that I am not doing good. There are also people who are good for my troubled soul, they know how to adjust their rhythms to harmonize with mine, or remind my how the melody goes. The one that I normally know by heart.

In the back of my mind, I think I am aware of the tragedy. I am always scared of not doing enough. Right now, I feel like I’m waiting – I just don’t know what for.

 

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Small talk.

 

I hate small talk. Really. If you ask any of my close friends, they will agree. They know this about me. I don’t like the pretentious smiles and introductions. The meaningless information you share with strangers don’t make any sense to me.

But we all live in a society that values small talk. We are surrounded by strangers and if we want to get into contact with them, we need to suffer through the small talk and get to know them. At least that’s how I though it works. But I am starting to see that there is more to these first conversations than I thought. There are most certainly what you make of them. I think I have learned a few things talking to strangers. First of all, burst through that barrier. Go out and talk to people. It sounds so difficult, trust me I know. But it helps. Don’t be scared, because what could happen? They won’t talk to you? Well, they are not talking to you right now, so there’s that. And make the conversation meaningful. Be present and ask questions that actually matter. Go into detail and be specific. Nobody likes talking about the weather so be a little more creative. Be generous, be kind. Listen to understand, don’t listen to talk.

Just try it. Believe me, as an introvert, it is draining for me to go out and talk to people. But I learn and I grow from each conversation and I am a little prouder afterwards. Be aware of your environment and take the little chances the day gives you.

Because small talks are actually doors. They can let you in and share with you anything or nothing. It is all up to us. So leave your door open from time to time.

 

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Being home.

What does being home mean to you? What is home? I know that a lot of people connect home to a physical location. A home town. The house they grew up in and spend most of their life time living in. Maybe it’s that little apartment you can barely afford but for the first time in your life you can live by your rules and be independent. Maybe it’s the city you know best, where every street looks familiar and the neighbors greet you when you pass them. Maybe it’s a country where everyone speaks your language, where the food tastes and smells the best to you.

To be honest, I have trouble with the concept of home. It makes me feel a little uneasy, as if there is something missing. Because I don’t have a clear cut definition for it. What if you move around so much that there is not one specific location to call home? What if there are several houses you remember from your childhood? What if you have not spend more than two years in the same city in the last ten years? What if there are so little constants in your life? I think this is when things get interesting. Because you start defining home again and again. At least I feel the need to define home to myself over and over again. Oftentimes I noticed that home can be anywhere as long as there are people that you love and that love you. Your family and your friends that give you the feeling of belonging. But there is still something missing in that concept. What if family is everywhere, what if your friends are not one collective but individuals living all around the world?

So what is being home to me? It is the bed that I sleep in, it’s the calming, familiar smell when I unlock the front door. It’s the place where I know exactly where everything belongs. It is where I drive home to after a long day of work. It is where I hang up pictures on the wall. It is wherever I feel like I need to be right now. That opens up the concept of just one place in my mind. It helps me understand that home can be anywhere and everywhere. It is a feeling of peace and calm, of knowing that you are safe. It is not one singular place.

After moving around so much, I can finally say: Welcome homes. And I hope you can too.

Home

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To my beautiful sister

Change is the only constant. And it creeps up on us, whether we notice it or not. Tomorrow, a big change is going to happen. My sister is moving away. I am beyond happy for her but I am also selfish. I don’t want her to go because I don’t want to miss my big sister. We are rarely ever physically close, yet it somehow feels different whether hundreds of kilometers separate us or a huge ocean and time difference. It has been quiet on our little Uke Blog, there is no real excuse, just life that happened and things that got busy. But with change and new challenges comes new energy, from which MoodyUkes is going to benefit. I want to start this new chapter with a couple of words directed to my beautiful sister.

To me, you can do no wrong. To me, you are the strongest, most fearless person I have met. You jump on challenging opportunities and you handle them so brilliantly. You never give yourself enough credit for that.

I want to hurt everyone who has ever dared to hurt you because you are my sister and no one gets to do that! I don’t want you to face any pain ever alone again, I want you to know I am here to listen. I know our genes and twisted brains tell us to keep it together and deal with it on our own, but you have taught me over the last month that it is okay to be hurting and it is okay to talk about it to someone. It is more than okay, it actually helps to not deal with things alone. I hope you think of me sometimes when you are facing a problem because I know you will be the first person I ask for advice. Be prepared for many calls from your little sister (probably at an unreasonable hour) to discuss my little worries. I will try to tone it down, I promise.

I know you will have an amazing time, you will meet great people and you will be okay, no matter how you feel right now. I want the people you are about to meet to know what an incredible human being they are about to get to know. And I want them to fully appreciate you because otherwise, I want my big sister back!

You will be missed here, but I know you need to be elsewhere now. I love you so much

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Feeling alive

What moments do you think of when I say a moment that makes you look above your personal horizons? When you suddenly see your emotions and issues from a different perspective? When everything you have been worrying about seems so tiny or irrelevant because you’re looking at a bigger picture?

To me, this happens when I see a really good movie. Preferably at the movies because that way you physically step out of your own life and into the space of the movie. When a movie makes you feel Something that isn’t part of your everyday emotions. I can’t think of a better example but it happened to me when I watched The Fault in Our Stars. Feeling sad and happy and confused all at the same time. Cancer – luckily to me right now – is not a part of everyday life. But in that moment when you encounter something that is out of your rut, you realize that him not texting you back or the exam next week is not going to matter in the long run – to me, that is what feeling alive feels like.

It also happens to me when I hear certain news – this week hearing about the death of Christina Grimmie or the night club shooting in Orlando. Something that shakes up your life and makes you think. And then you need to force your head back into your own routine, while also subconsciously still reevaluating yourself and your choices.

Feeling alive, how morbid that other people’s death caused this feeling in me this week. I’m only now realizing how dark that really is. Also The Fault in Our Stars is concerning the topic of death. Maybe the concept or realness of death is making me feel alive, forcing me to see that life is more than my personal environment and worries.

This is not the direction I wanted this to go in. I wanted to point out that I like this feeling of being alive, present and active, I like looking above my horizon. But I feel like I can’t say that right now.

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