I am having a rough time at the moment. Nothing bad happened – nothing in particular anyway. Rarely is anyone’s life ever smooth sailing, I find there is always something to worry about. But usually, I can look past that. But right now I feel like there are so many things that are not going my way. I have been having an even harder time not beating myself up about it. A monologue repeats itself in my head about 50 times a day: You’re not happy – why? You should be happy. Everyone else is. Be happy. Now! But that’s not how it works. It is almost impossible to silence the voice in my head. I strongly believe that happiness is a mindset, one that you have to work for. But I find it really hard to be positive right now. There is no acute tragedy. Maybe the tragedy is in myself and I’m having trouble accepting it. I don’t feel like myself.
I find it hard to be around certain people right now. In my head, we usually get along because my rhythm and theirs flow well together, but at the moment mine is off-beat. Talking to those people shows me how off my beat really is, reminding me that I am not doing good. There are also people who are good for my troubled soul, they know how to adjust their rhythms to harmonize with mine, or remind my how the melody goes. The one that I normally know by heart.
In the back of my mind, I think I am aware of the tragedy. I am always scared of not doing enough. Right now, I feel like I’m waiting – I just don’t know what for.