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Month: September 2016

To the person that I thought I knew. A work in progress.

one – Are you my soulmate?

I laugh. My heart jumps, it is made out of cotton candy. Pink and plush, running through high grass on a humid summer’s day.

two – Are you my soulmate?

I sigh. My ears not believing what they are hearing, for the first time in so long, opening up like old, rusty blinds, finally letting in the light. Finally letting in the air that I so desperately need to breath. But you only take my breath away. Your words weaseling your way under my skin, between my fingers, running your hand through my hair, tickling the back of my neck, caressing my earlobes, whispering: Are you my soulmate?

My insides are pulling themselves together, longing for words they never dreamed of, coming up for air after spending ages under water. Gasping.
But you only take my breath away.

three – I am lying in bed, you just cancelled our date. The familiar war behind my face washes over me, pulls me in deep. I cannot see the picture frame on the other side of my wall, my smiling face seems so unfamiliar. Where is she?

four – You look at me, with honest eyes, you see me. You. See. Me. Are you my soulmate? Piercing me, through and through, four simple words, they have no meaning to me, but hearing them from you means everything.

five – When is the last time you spoke with him? I have news for you.

six – No, this is the wrong life, this is the wrong line, my dreams have already taken over, I know the truth. This is not happening to me. All this time you were lying. Someone else. No, this is not you, no, this is not me. No, this is not her. This is just a bad movie, I am in, there is someone playing games with me.

seven – I feel so stupid. You made me into a cliché, you made me half. There is no explanation.

I will not believe this story. Would I have thought that you were the one that would betray me? You did. This is having your rug pulled out from under you and I am falling, falling, falling without ever waking up. There is no waking up.

Breath in, breath out. Let the disappointment wash away all the pain of feeling whole. Of trusting someone and having it all shattered in a matter of seconds. All that is left is emptiness.

eight – this is washing away the beautiful painting I made with my ideas and dreams and songs and seeing the gray truth behind it. Who are you?

And the question that will never be answered.

Why?

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Small Talk.

I hate small talk. Really. If you ask any of my close friends, they will agree. They know this about me. I don’t like the pretentious smiles and introductions. The meaningless information you share with strangers don’t make any sense to me.

But we all live in a society that values small talk. We are surrounded by strangers and if we want to get into contact with them, we need to suffer through the small talk and get to know them. At least that’s how I though it works. But I am starting to see that there is more to these first conversations than I thought. There are most certainly what you make of them. I think I have learned a few things talking to strangers. First of all, burst through that barrier. Go out and talk to people. It sounds so difficult, trust me I know. But it helps. Don’t be scared, because what could happen? They won’t talk to you? Well, they are not talking to you right now, so there’s that. And make the conversation meaningful. Be present and ask questions that actually matter. Go into detail and be specific. Nobody likes talking about the weather so be a little more creative. Be generous, be kind. Listen to understand, don’t listen to talk.

Just try it. Believe me, as an introvert, it is draining for me to go out and talk to people. But I learn and I grow from each conversation and I am a little prouder afterwards. Be aware of your environment and take the little chances the day gives you.

Because small talks are actually doors. They can let you in and share with you anything or nothing. It is all up to us. So leave your door open from time to time.

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